Digital Getdown

When I was a little girl, I loved Communion Sundays. The voices from the choir soared a little higher. The church hats were a little bigger. To a young girl who only had a bowl of Apple Jacks before Sunday School, the best part was the bread and wine provided at the end of the service. Wow, I use to look forward to that little piece of bread. No bigger than a squished skittle, this iota of bread dominated my mind through most of sermon. At the time, I didn't understand the symbolism of the bread and wine, I just knew that this treat would hold me over until the fam and I could get to Golden Corral. And when I held that small, plastic shot glass full of what I believed to be wine... it was like a whole other level. I felt like such an adult! One who grew up in the 90's would say that I thought myself to be "All That". Then one day, my elementary school teacher shattered my dreams during our daily snack time. After telling my co-classmates that we were drinking wine with our animal crackers, my teacher pulled me to the side and devastated me by revealing that we were in fact drinking grape juice and NOT a "blessed by God" alcoholic beverage. I may or may not have called her a liar. She may or may not have taken away my silver star for the day because I used the word liar. Anyway, after that, Communion Sunday's were a bit different to me. I always felt a little slighted. I wanted to tell God "Hey man! They're giving out fake wine! Your blood is being represented by grape juice!" I also tried to express my feelings to my family but alas, no one listens to a little black girl with a squeaky voice, who just learned the word "injustice".

This is the random memory going through my mind as I sit here, sipping a delicious Malbec, on a video chat date with a guy I met on OkCupid.com. I'm sure you can probably tell (from my lack of focus on the boy in question) that the date isn't going very well. The truth is, I knew this Titanic was going to sink the moment he sat down in front of he computer. Now don't accuse me of being shallow. It wasn't his looks that had me shaking my head. It was the fact that he sat down in front of the computer conveniently missing his shirt, baring his slightly oiled upper body and wearing a smirk that seemed to say "That's right gurl.... Don't fight the heat."

Him: Ehhhh sexy.
Me: Hey there buddy. Lose you shirt?
Him: Heh. Naaah. Just got out of the shower. Now I'm all clean for you.
Me:  (not able to think of how to respond to that) So fresh and so clean clean!
Him: I can go get a shirt. Or, I can not get a shirt. It all depends on if you like what's going on here.
Me: Ummm....
Him: Don't be shy. Mmph! Wit yo sexy lips.

ICEBERG.

Now, to you, that line might not sound all that bad. Well, you're right. Coming from the mouth of certain men, during different circumstances, it could be funny or flirtatious or even charming. But the delivery of his words (mixed with confidence of his smug brow) showed me exactly where this was headed. This guy was about 5 seconds away from giving me a cheesy line like "Wow baby, your boobs look tense. Want me to massage them for you?" Or, a downright rude line like "Damn gurl! You're like 9/11 sweety... You changin' my world." Ay yi yi....

 How do I even begin to explain how I got myself in this situation. I'm thinking it started on New Years Eve. In my mystery red drink haze, I decided that my resolution would be to put myself out there more. If I wanted to date, I should get into the groove and make it happen. Stop telling guys "No, I'm just dancing with my friends". Or, get rid of my "don't bother me, I'm reading" face when I'm hanging out alone in public. Be more inviting to the opposite sex. So, I got together a game plan. Go out at least once every weekend to meet men. Be a little more obvious with my flirtation. GO FOR IT! Wear something that makes you feel attractive. Touch. Smile. Wink. Cock you head to the side. All those good "How to catch the eye of another" suggestions you read about in Cosmo. And of course, find other avenues for dating. Which brought me to the cyber matchmaking machine that is the online dating world. 

 Come Meet your prince baby

Don't get me wrong, I've heard some pretty amazing stories when it comes to meeting someone online. I even know a few wonderful couples who are now happily married to a person they would have never met had they decided NOT to finish that oh so tedious online profile. I've also heard some horror stories. I mean, the TV show "Catfish" is just one shinning example of what could go wrong. Honestly it's a coin toss. But, I figured "Why the hell not?" and joined a few sites. The "Putting yourself out there" mission was well on it's way.


Creating an online profile is about as frustrating and mind numbing as filling out  a college application. You have to present all the amazing things about yourself using only a couple of paragraphs. It almost reminds me of being an Actor. Marketing yourself is crucial. Do you want to be funny or mysterious? Vixen or Sweetheart? Are you the best friend type... or the leading lady? I don't know about you guys but, I have never felt more stumped than I feel when I am staring at a blinking cursor in an "About Me" section. Don't even get me started on the profile photos. "Hmmmm... I look silly in that picture." Or, " You can see my back fat in that picture!" Or, "Oooo my smile looks awesome! This is a winner! But... it's a 5 year old picture. Hmm..oh well, they'll get the gist." Seriously! This profile drove me bananas for days. 

 Haha! Wow.. This guy...

After getting my own profile settled, it was time for fun. I searched through the men that my website had to offer. It was like my own little private version of "The Dating Game". I've actually met a few nice guys. Although none of them really led to anything, it was still nice to just meet and chat and flirt and just be single and actually kind of "dating". On the other hand, I've also met a few duds. The "Never Ever NEVER" list includes a few famous screen names like MoneyCatch2012, Vanilla_Heat1113, Huggies1972, BIGcrimeMelvin, and my all time favorite... ButtHunter69. Well, I have to admit, at least with a name like ButtHunter69 a girl can pretty much guess what type of guy she's in for. No secrets with good ol' ButtHunter. It's pretty obvious that you won't be telling your grand kids in the future how you saw the name ButtHunter and knew that you and grandpa were meant to be.

*Le sigh* Another year, another Valentine's Day in NYC. Seriously, I think that this city is it's own giant Valentine year round but, it's something about February 14th that makes it a little more romantic. I took the longer route from work on that night because I just enjoyed the energy. The Empire State Building glowed pink and red as couples strolled hand in hand, slow and content despite the cold weather. It occurred to me while walking around that my New Years Resolution was pretty ridiculous. Well, at least some of it. I still want to put myself out there. I still want to try to meet new people but, I don't want to do it as some Cosmo programed barbie doll. If I'm feeling flirtatious, then OH BOY, I will flirt. If I want to stay home on the weekends with a book and warm tea, then I will. I'll wink when I feel cheeky and smile when I want to and laugh my big hearty laugh if something tickles me. Maybe, on some days, my outfit that I feel attractive in happens to be my yoga pants and a t-shirt. No more game plan. If I'm going to meet someone, I want them to meet ME. That statement also applies to my online profile. I went back and erased the whole thing and just wrote what I felt like writing. Funny, mysterious, vixen, sweetheart... I'm all those things! No one could discover that in one paragraph. I added some pictures taken of myself recently and then stepped away. My resolution had a new meaning... "Put YOURSELF out there". Maybe I will get a lot of messages, maybe I won't. I guess we will see.

"So Kiki, What happened with the "Top Gun" volleyball scene extra you talked about at the beginning of the blog?" 

 Well, you can probably already guess that it didn't work out. But, it wasn't just me. He also knew it. The one word answers and lack luster questions between us had red lights flashing within 10 minutes. After it was obvious that this was going nowhere but off a cliff, he decided to steer the conversation to a topic that was he was sure would save the evening... cyber sex. And me? Well, I did what any woman would do when a guy, you don't want anything to do with, tries to start a friendly game of "Let's compare areolas".... I pretended there was and earthquake, shook my computer around and slammed it shut. C'mon guys! You didn't really think I was going to start dating that guy did you? Yeah right. I like my men like I like my communion wine.... Real.

Until Next Time......

3 Of My Favorite Movies About Online Dating

1). "You've Got Mail"

          I can't help it! I adore the Tom/Meg combo. This movie always makes me cry and I adore it!

2). Must Love Dogs

              Who can resist the Cusack? Seriously.

3). Napoleon Dynamite

           Kip and Lafawnduh forever.

Love Always, 

    The girl who got hit on by a with the screen name ButtHunter... sheesh.